Sibling relationships - whether healthy or unhealthy, loving
or antagonistic - are the longest-lasting and most constant
intimate relationships formed by human beings, lasting longer
than most friendships, through the deaths of parents and beyond
marriages, extending a shared history and deeply-rooted shared
experience from early childhood into old age.
In examining sibling relationships, research tells us that
adults' expectations for their children's sibling relationships
reflect many years of personal experience and education, adding
to their expectations layers of genetic as well as emotional
meaning. But the research also indicates that for young children,
family relationships are purely social in nature.
As children mature, they will become better able to make sense
of connections that are not just social and will be more interested
in the distinctions. We know that during adolescence, many
adopted people begin to feel intensely interested in the concept
of genetic connection and what it might mean for them. Genetic
relatives might be able to provide some explanation for how
one looks or why one possesses or lacks skills for certain
physical or intellectual or artistic endeavors and might offer
some insight into how tall or how shapely one might be as
an adult. As adopted people approach adolescence, they are
likely to be ready to be interested in, to understand and
to appreciate additional complexities about the existence
of, or relationship with, their genetic siblings.
Even families formed entirely by birth frequently may include
one or more family members who feel "different" from the others.
Certainly, since the children and parents in adoption-expanded
families have differing genetic backgrounds, they cannot expect
to be as prone to be "alike" physically, intellectually, or
emotionally as are people who have a genetic connection. So
adoption-expanded families may be more "at risk" for poor
matches than are birth-connected sibs and parents.
But parents can do much to work on these issues. Here is a
list of ideas to consider.
Every child deserves to be wanted, loved, and valued for who
he is rather than as a stopgap or replacement for a child
one dreams of parenting. Treat each child as the individual
he or she is. Do all that you can to nurture a sense of shared
family culture.
Watch for and support the ways in which children, separated
by age or of opposite sexes, discover things they enjoy in
common. Be realistic in your expectations about sibling relationships.
A common store of family based and sibling inclusive a family
experience enhances the sense of family that each of us takes
into adulthood. When we are gone, it is this we will leave
our children: memories and values that root them against the
storms of life, and siblings - brothers and sisters - who
share these roots.
Abagaile Odalis is a family and relationship professional
with 12 years of experience in this field. She has written
two revolutionary books on how to Seduce
Women and the other to Attract
Men.
